“You know, like snorkeling in Belize,” she said, and carried on with her story. But my mind was a step behind her then.
Umm… wait… I’ve never snorkeled in Belize. And there was a disconnect in our conversation.
This feeling got me thinking about how I talk about what I do as a parenting coach. Having studied and practiced for years and having guided many people through beautiful transformations, this is my home territory. But I sometimes speak about coaching as if everyone else knows what it’s like. And like the snorkeling reference, that certainly can’t be helpful.
So, how does a parenting coaching journey progress?
Well, of course, no two coaching programs are the same, just as no two parents are the same, nor the problem they’re facing with their teen or the personal change they’re wanting to make. And change is never linear. You don’t go straight from where you are to where you want to be.
But there are some phases that we all go through as we make significant internal shifts. Some stages are fast and some slow, sometimes we circle back through several times, some we try to skip over…
And when you become acquainted with each phase of change, you can feel a bit more ease. It’s good just recognizing where you are, even when it’s uncomfortable.
In unfamiliar territory, a map helps you take in the both the challenges and gifts of the process. So, here’s my map for you:
See It
There are moments in life when we just know that something isn’t working anymore.
Sometimes it’s a pivotal event that brings you clarity: a fiery argument, a silent car ride or a painfully awkward dinner. And then you know that your relationship with your young adult child has become too disconnected. In a moment of clarity, you recognize that what you’re waiting for just isn’t happening.
On the other hand, sometimes that awareness arrives in a seemingly random moment of culmination. You’ve been hobbling along and carrying the cracked pieces in your hands. For months, you’ve been telling yourself that it’s good enough for now and then, one day, it just isn’t.
You just know.
You might not have clarity about what exactly is happening within you or be able to articulate it to anyone else yet. But you understand that your relationship with your kid is unsustainable and heading in the wrong direction.
What can you do with this new awareness? Turn toward your discomfort, even though part of you would do anything to have the pain go away. Instead, be with it. See the mess for what it is. Go ahead and feel your dissatisfaction in your heart and your gut.
Remember, it’s in the muck that the lotus finds its nourishment. So, look around and allow yourself to really see the muck.
Admit It
In this stage, you’re awake and no longer willing to leave things as they are. You’re not ok leaving it to chance and letting your relationship play out this way. You’re not ready to accept an unending series of battles or a permanent chill.
There’s a good chance you’re feeling frustrated, resentful, uncertain, discouraged, skeptical, inadequate, overwhelmed, withdrawn, hesitant, furious, tired, fragile, remorseful…
It’s a tricky stage. You know something has to change but you don’t necessarily know what. Or if you know what needs to change, you don’t know how.
So, go gently with yourself. Allow the emotions to surface as you acknowledge the unsustainability of your situation and admit that you must change. And let those feelings be clues that a fuller expression of yourself as a parent and what matters deeply to you in this role is about to emerge.
Imagine
Never underestimate the power of imagining your future. What kind of a relationship do you want with your child? What would ‘better’ look like? What will you be doing and saying? How will your relationship feel?
This may be difficult to visualize if you’ve been busy putting out fires and walking on eggshells. Maybe you’d been so focused on what you wanted to stop that you’d partially forgotten what you really desire in your relationship.
Now you remember. You engage your senses and feel for what gives you pleasure and fills your heart. You start seeing it again, dreaming of a different way to be together: accepting each other, trusting, enjoying, connecting.
And you start hoping.
Experiment
As that desired relationship comes more into focus, you’re ready to explore what’s possible. You consider other perspectives that you rejected before. You try out different ways of speaking — different words, different paces, different tones. You find different ways of moving. Some feel good and you incorporate them into your life; some flop so you revise and try again.
It's a time of curiosity, vulnerability and discovery. There’s a spaciousness and a sense of coming home to yourself. You can feel something shifting within you. And it feels good.
Alignment
It’s not so much that you reach a destination; it’s more that you have a different way of being that continues to emerge. New abilities that you didn’t have only a few months ago are up and running, strengthening and available when you need them. Your mind, your instinct, your heart and soul feel like they’re working together as you interact with your kids. You feel like more of the real you is here and present in your day-to-day parenting.
And, this is important, instead of feeling like you have to have it all figured out, you know that your development as a parent is ongoing and this fills you with curiosity and courage. You feel engaged in your life and looking forward to the next part of the journey.
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Photo by Luca on Unsplash.